our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT