Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.