@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

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@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@zachv86

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.

@adrianmyreality

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, my puppet screams, my other puppet screams, the waiter screams, this is the worst first date ever

@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

@Darlainky

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

@GuyThe_Guy

My pistol only holds 9 bullets, so when I lose my shit I only get to kill 9 people or one cat.