Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Mistakes were made
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
ready to be harvested
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things