Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Was it something I said?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.