Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Just a bush.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH