Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
pictures of spider-man
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
when u come home smelling like another dog
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️