Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
You Might Also Like
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.