Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Pickled cat.

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!