Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
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Him: don鈥檛 you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it鈥檚 not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I鈥檓 not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: How鈥檚 it going?
Coworker: Can鈥檛 complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My dad鈥檚 pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let鈥檚 never discuss this again.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it鈥檚 the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
馃槈馃槤
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13鈥檚 unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can鈥檛 sleep cause it鈥檚 thinking about me