Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
