Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Proctologist = Analyst
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice