Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
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BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Happens to everyone.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.