Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Orange is oranging 🟠

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

How dramatic are you?

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten