Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.