Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Me: Coke please

Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?

Me: Why yes, yes it is

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching