Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.