Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
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Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
my professor scared me for a second
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce