Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Breaking news:
plums roundup
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.