Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My favorite farside!!
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
taking June’s advice to heart
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks