Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
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HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.