Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?