Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.