@SteveKoehler22

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

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@drayzze

Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay

@havingafatday

So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

@TheAlexNevil

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

@AlexEllisdon

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet

@BoomBoomBetty

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

@EtobicokeErnie

My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

@_TayTayJustine

Packing to move is the probably the worst game of Tetris I’ve ever played.