Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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Put a ring on it
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
repaired
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.