Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Worlds greatest photobomb
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body