Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.