Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You Might Also Like
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
