@MommaUnfiltered

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

- @MommaUnfiltered

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@Holy_Mowgli

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

@Barknado69

[The Price Is Right]

Bob Barker: what do you think the price of this washing machine is

Me:*lips firmly pressed to mic* Right

@squirrel74wkgn

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

@pattioshankable

Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you…MUCH WORSE!

@davidkenny100

About to hit the ball
Boss: you said you’d played before?

Me: uh yes

Boss: that’s a putter

Me: Is that wrong?

Boss: wrong for squash yes

@robfee

I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team

@madeleinedoux

[date at rooftop bar]
give me ur hand
“Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?”
*rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me

@WeissBrandon

Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me:…
Cop: NOW!
Me:…
Me:…
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze

@Brampersandon_

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.