@MommaUnfiltered

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

@daddydoubts

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@DeadLioness

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

@tsm560

My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.

@rudy_mustang

me: kentucky basketball’s logo looks like two birds having sex

911: sir this line is for emergen- wait what

me: yah turn it sideways

911: …holy shit

@roxiqt

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

@BoomBoomBetty

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?