Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
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[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
This will never not be funny 😭
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.