Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
You Might Also Like
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
i hate you platonically
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.