Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
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One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
