Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”