Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.