Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N