Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
You Might Also Like
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
🤣🤣🤣
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok