Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk what this dog had been going through but same

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely