Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
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My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Cashiers are always checking me out
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.