Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Today’s Times
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*