Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life