Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
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PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Not even remotely sorry.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Meanwhile in Canada…
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.