Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
You Might Also Like
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.