Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
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“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior