Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
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The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’