Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
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[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.