Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No