Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
accurate
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.