Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
