Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
ibopfufen
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
