Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
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You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
as is their right
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.