Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know