Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
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a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN