Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense