Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
You Might Also Like
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.