Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
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At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Good for him.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that