Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
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Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Breaking news:
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*