Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?

Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?

Therapist: No.

Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.