Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My birth announcement for our third baby
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is