Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Whoa 😂
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.