Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.