Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!