Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
You Might Also Like
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re