Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!