Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Saturday
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.