Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?

Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–

Adults: ITS THE PHONES