Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Duck typos.
I am putting on so many clothes
*cold weather sext
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I feel it
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.