Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

definitely did not do anything wrong

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

I was just discussing this with my cat

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*