Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?

Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.