Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My hips? Compulsive liars.