How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.