Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My background check bounced.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.