Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

What the hell happened in there??