Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what