Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

My diet starts in January

of 2027

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

i love meeting boys on tinder