Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
fourth time’s the charm
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I love the honesty
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.