Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The symmetry is uncanny.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings