Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

me and my fake scenarios

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.