Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
How animals would run if they were human
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.