Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.