Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it