Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
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One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
is this how new cars are made??
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”