Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
If you breakdance you buy dance.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
SF is the wild wild west man
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.